In quantum photonics, threshold detectors, distinguishing between vacuum and one or more photons, such as superconducting nanowires and avalanche photodiodes, are routinely used to measure Fock and Gaussian states of light. Despite being the standard measurement scheme, there is no general closed form expression for measurement probabilities with threshold detectors, unless accepting coarse approximations or combinatorially scaling summations. Here, we present new matrix functions to fill this gap. We develop the Bristolian and the loop Torontonian functions for threshold detection of Fock and displaced Gaussian states, respectively, and connect them to each other and to existing matrix functions. By providing a unified picture of bosonic statistics for most quantum states of light, we provide novel tools for the design and analysis of photonic quantum technologies.